Hi ladies and Eric and Matt. Is it okay if the I talk to my boyfriends first? It’s just…I miss them so. Cool? Thanks, I will write specifically to you in a minute.
Hey E. I miss you. How is Em? She is writing her thesis right now, yes? How are the cats and dogs? Can your cats go to your bookstore? I know you are fairly busy, but are you keeping up with baseball? Of course you are.
I wish I was watching some of this Cardinal-Dodger playoff series with you and Matty. It has been three really good games so far. In all honesty I am hoping it goes seven. Both former Kansas City Royals Carlos Beltran and Zack Greinke1 are still fun to watch. Yasiel Puig2 reminds me of when you gave me a much-discussed album in 2001.3 As in, “Oh, this is the music I have been reading so much hyperbole about in Spin magazine?” What I am saying is Puig is doing for major league outfielders what The Strokes did for hipsters. Did I mention he plays for Don Mattingly and Magic Johnson in Los Angeles? He’s practically in Hollywood already. Someone please text Barbara Streisand because a star is being born.
Speaking of stars being born, here’s to you, Papa Matty. I am excited to meet your new son. I heard you might not name him Joe. No big deal. Ha. Hahaha. Ha…Ha. Anyways, how are D and Hattie? How many chickens do you have not counting the ones before they hatch? Can your chickens go to Eric’s bookstore? Oh yeah, before I forget…how are the football Chiefs doing? Ha. Hahaha. Ha…Ha4 I heard rumors of trading for former college basketball star Tony Gonzalez. I have missed him. I miss you.
Okay, celebrity sisters. I am a fan of all your work. Well, most of it. Well, I have not heard most of it. But what I have listened to seems nice and better than opera. First, Miley, you have so much talent and your fans sincerely care about your success, which I think is cool. Sinead, you have mine and millions’ respect and admiration for always keeping us not only thinking but also…thoughtful. Amanda, your modern perspective is intriguing and comforting. I cannot call myself a feminist because I am sure someone will get upset, but I am glad the three of you are at least provoking and having a discussion. Also, have you heard Alison Gold yet? What do you think? Finally, would you pitch to Hanley Ramirez instead of around him?
Look, all of you. Keep up the good work. I will watch your careers with great interest.5
PS — I am sorry, but this letter has footnotes.
1Um, I spell Greinke correctly and already know his on base average this year was .409 without looking either up, by the way. Am I bragging or am I just sad?
2I can spell Yasiel Puig now, too.
3Included was a bonus Rough Trade label sampler with Hope Sandoval and Sufjan Stevens songs. The Moldy Peaches were also on it, but Juno outright ruined The Moldy Peaches for me.
4Of course I know the Chiefs are 6-0.
5My apologies for closing with some of the last lines of the worst Star Wars film, but it is just coincidence. Not the force or anything like that.